I regard myself as a very relaxed person but as I've gotten older I demand much more from myself. Gone are the days when I would lounge happily in bed all morning, then scratch my way to the kitchen for lunch before rocking down to the pub for some mischief later on. While they were great days at the time that needed to be done, I can be very self-critical now if I don't get anything much done with my day.
Unfortunately, I have to keep setting myself little tasks and targets or else my life begins to stall. If I have one thing to do all day, there's a good chance it won't happen. If I have several things to do, they will all be sorted plus a few extra things 'while I'm at it'. This was always the case. I couldn't achieve any level of consistency or application as a student for most of the year until exam time loomed and then I went into overdrive to the point of being 'nerdy'. I usually write down what has to be done and hugely enjoy the process of crossing out each chore afterwards (as the my Canadian friend used to say "that's so anal", but she knew someone who would even write things like 'wash teeth' just so they could cross it off).
I actually distrust myself quite a bit. Like the wife of an alcoholic who is forever teetering between extremes of vibrant sobriety and rampant intoxication, I have come up with little schemes to keep me on the straight and narrow. I'll put my alarm in some corner of the room so the lazy me won't hit the snooze button all morning or I'll hide €20 somewhere on my person before I go out, in case of an emergency, but not somewhere so easy that the drunk me could find leaning over a nightclub bar counter.
I don't think any less of myself for all this. At the moment, I'm being overloaded at work but managing to be more productive in more facets of my life than I have been for quite a while. Just have to keep looking straight ahead because if I stop for a moment to look down, it will be a quick fall
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